This is my secret sanctuary.
Your insincerity is discerning.
There are just too many things you will never know, too many scars for you to understand. I don’t fall in love, and sometimes it feels as though I never will. I don’t even fall in like. I may find a slight interest in you but it’s difficult for me to find love in anyone anymore. The idea of commitment and attachment scares me. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t want to get involved with anyone at all at the moment. Perhaps it’s because I’m studying for finals, but I truly believe it’s because I’ve completely lost the ability to fall in love. Just the idea of joking around scares me. I don’t want anyone to think otherwise.
I’m not ready to fall in love. Until I’m ready, I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve or to let anyone behind these brick walls. Read the “Keep Out” sign. Take it heart. Don’t come in. I’m warning you. I’m threatening you. Please do not come in.
I’m a bad friend.
Because I didn’t understand. I didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt.
She reminded me of us.
We were inseparable. That was our life for the past few years. I’m having a hard time letting go and letting you do your own thing. That’s my problem though, isn’t it? I’ll be seeing you tonight. I guess I’ll have to see how things go.
I’m acting like the clingy bitch I knew I never was. But it was because of the fact that we didn’t have to talk every single day, that I grew attached. I didn’t need you everyday. I still don’t need you everyday. I need you once in awhile. Is that still too much to ask for?
I don’t want us to become the friends that will one day ask “So how are you nowadays?” That was never our fate. It tears me apart to know that we have become those friends. Maybe it’s just in my head that we’ve become like this.
I remember that day we sat on the hill just laughing and taking pictures, laughing and basking in the sun. It was the beginning of our journey. We were headed off to high school soon. The transition wasn’t hard. You were still my best friend then. We grew so close sophomore year. You always made me laugh. You never judged. Your crazy, loud laugh always made me laugh. I grew protective of you. I would never let anyone hurt you. I would never let anyone talk down to you. But you didn’t care if they did. You never took things too seriously. You never stressed out the way normal people did. Things just seemed to roll off back. You were the strong, passive aggressive person I was always jealous of. You grew to know me better than I knew myself. You taught me how not to overanalyze every little aspect of my life. I enjoyed my time with you.
Maybe in time, when you’re more relaxed, things will be different. But until then, I guess this is our life.
I will always love you. I will always be your friend. And when you’re ready, I’ll still be here. I love you, best friend. Always and forever.
Drafting my revenge on you.
Why do I feel like I’ve lost my very best friend? Why now after all these years?
Everyone else is irrelevant at this point. No one matters, no one cares. I’m alone in this place I’m supposed to call “home,” and I can’t quite seem to get the hang out of it. I don’t want to be around these people who calls themselves my “friends.” I know they barely even mean it. They walk past me like I’m transparent. They walk on without me as if I’m too trivial for them. Constantly ignored, constantly alone. I can’t stand being here sometimes. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know why I’m even here anymore.
If I don’t matter to anyone, why do I even bother trying anymore? I miss the life I used to lead which is so unbelievably outrageous. For the past four years, I’ve been complaining about I hate high school but suddenly, I find myself missing it more than anything. I miss my best friends. I miss how happy I used to be. I miss finding pleasure in the company of good people.
Instead, I’m surrounded by the most insincere people I can imagine. I feel irrevocably alone in here. I want to feel like someone cares. I want to feel like I can talk to someone. But I honestly don’t feel like I can. Who am I supposed to turn to? Who am I supposed to talk to about all this? It’s ridiculous.
This is all ridiculous.
They always say “you are not alone.”
But I am.
I really am.
I kept telling myself that I want a best guy friend who I can talk about my feelings with. Then when I realized I already had one, I discovered I really hate talking about my feelings.